GIVE THE DAY A BIG SMILE!!!

an end and another beinning

an end and another beinning

This will be a super long and sad post.

I guess this time we have really put an end to the relationship. To me, I feel that is has sort of ended, but then I thought it have not really start, so how does it end?

The question has been on my mind the whole week end.

Anyway, I shall start from the beginning.

This week was really a week filled with lots of emotions.

On Tuesday, I did not know what has gotten over me, but I guess I cold not really take it anymore.

It happen that I ended at the same time as him as I had to stay back for consultation, so I have messaged him that if he wants to go back together. I would wait for him in the canteen. In the end he message back asking me to meet him at the bus stop. I thought that he had reached the bus stop by then so I asked him to go off first if his bus came.

When I reached the bus stop, I did not see him and he did not message me, so I figured that he had left, so I boarded the bus. While the bus was turning, I saw him walking out of school with another girl. I know I should not have jumped to conclusion, but I just could not help it, because it is a feeling built over time. He did not even to bother to message me and tell me that he got the message.

At that point of time, I really did not know what has gotten over me, I actually teared in the bus.

i was shocked at what I did, because I have never cried in public before, no matter how sad I was. But at that point of time, I really did not have much control over my emotions.

Actually that was not the only time I have cried for him, and that was the last time I promised myself that I should shed a tear for him.

I did message my secondary school friend on the bus to talk about random thing, I tried to keep myself as cheerful as possible, but somehow he managed to detect that I was not feeling happy. I guess when you are really sad, you cannot really hide anything.

Anyway, late in the night that day, I received a message from him saying that he was sorry for not waiting for me at the bus stop, and he wanted to reply me but his battery was flat. I did not know what to say, because I was totally exhausted, I spent that whole night before he message me to get a grip on my emotions, but his message came, and my whole line of defence just broke down.

I was frustrated, anger, maybe even numb. I did not really remember how I felt. So I just message back nvm. He asked me if I was asleep, I said no, not so soon. I did not was to message long message, because I did not want him to see through the feelings I had at that time.

Eventually, he messge me back saying that he was sorry and all for neglecting me and everything. At the point of time, I really cried, I cried like I have not cried for a very long time. I did not cry only because of him, I also cried because of the things my friends have been saying and many more. There are so many things I wanted to tell him, during the time when he was neglecting me. So many things have happened in my life, and when I want to tell him about it, he was not there.

I know he has his own problems, I wanted to be there for him, but he rejected me. I wanted him to be here for me, but he was wrapped up in his own problems. I know I should have been more understanding, but I just could not bring myself to do so at the point of time.

I eventually message back that I did not know what he was thinking and all, and he said we needed to have a good talk. I said okay. He asked me to meet him on Saturday, after his tuition.

We took the same bus on Wednesday. But we did not have much to say. He looked very tired, I felt guilt for being so unreasonable the day before. I told him that he did not have to send me home, and asked him to rest well. But I could not bring myself to apologized to him for what I have message the day before. Maybe deep down inside, I felt that I was not in total wrong.

We did not see each other for the next two days, but I know that his mother came on Thursday because the teacher has requested to see his mother.

The whole thing ended on Friday. He message me to tell me that he could not meet me on Saturday. He had something on in school and had tuition after that. He said that for now, he thinks that studies is the most impotatnt to him, and said that we should say as friends.

When I first got the message, I did not know, but I felt a breathe of relief. I guess it is because we have being treading in an area of grey for a while now. The area between friends and couple. So I guess I was relief that I know which role to play as now.

Then I got sad, I did not know why, I called my friend. I cried for a while and went to bed.

The next day I woke up, feeling slightly better, but somehow it felt emptier. Maybe it is just a lose of something to look forward to or a loss of someone to think about. The day just felt different.

I stayed at home, staying in my bed, Just listening to songs, reading some books and writing some things. I felt that I have not done so for quite a long time.

Then I went out to help my family with stuffs. After that I went out with friend. he keeps bugging me to tell him why I did not go out with him. I was hesitant to tell him, because I was not sure that I could control my feelings. But eventually after lots of bugging, I told him.

Surprisingly, I did not cry or anything. I just talked about it, but summaring at some parts. He wanted to see the message. But I said that I should not show him, because it is between the both of us. After a while, I guessed he gave up.

But he said that he was disappointed in him. Then I thought why you should be.?

today was pretty fine. I got better, but I am not sure about how I would feel tomorrow. But I know that I will put myself back together and study hard!

Haha that the end.

posted by maevbe @ 7:37 PM