I am wondering if I have made the correct decision, but I have this nagging feeling that if I do not do it I will never move forward.Today was our school’s teacher day’s celebration. We were suppose to commemorate ACERS( or something like that) day today. That meant the whole school would have to dance the ‘dance’ that we have been practicing for the last two weeks, however, due to the rain, it as cancelled.
The teacher day’s celebration was short and we were released at about 9.30am. that is like the earliest day that I was ever released. This year I did not go back to my secondary school, as no one was going back. The rest for the JCs released quite late. I guess my school is not that bad after all.
After the celebrations, I went to PS to walk around with my friends, it has been such a long time since we all went out together. We were all busy with either studying or dating for one, hee hee. Anyway, we had lunch at Carl’s Junior, the burger was super big! Luckily I did not order the burger, I only ordered the fries. We did some catching up as we were eating. It turned out that a lot of things have happened during this period of time. I guess this few months we have really been through a lot.
Up till now, I still have not told my friends about what happen between the both of us. I just do not know how to start telling them. I hope that they will understand.
. 一直很安静
一直很安静
. 一直很安静
荡的街景
As I walk along the path that we used to tread last time, memories flows back to me
想找个人放感情
The loneliness of reminiscing the past alone overwhelms me; I wished that there was someone beside to share these memories with me
做这种决定
In the end I chose to walk down the path of memories alone
是寂寞与我为邻
to face the loneliness alone, to keep myself from getting hurt. Again…
我们的爱情
The times we had together was like a road trip to you
像你路过的风景
The places that you have been to, wish to go to and hope to go to. To me, just by following by your side was enough
一直在进行
To you, the journey will never end
脚步却从来不会为我而停
the pace will be at your own pace and I will just be following you, but I was never included in the picture.
给你的爱一直很安静
I used to think that just being by your side was enough
来交换你偶尔给的关心
The occasional care and concern you gave was enough to light up my life, that was what I thought
明明是三个人的电影
She was never gone; she was always in your heart
我却始终不能有姓名
And I am just a passerby in you life
你说爱像云
You beautify love, you defined love
要自在飘浮才美丽
Love is only beautiful when there is freedom. Freedom for you…
我终於相信
I can only believe, hold on to the last thread of belief in you.
分手的理由有时候很动听
to believe that the reason you gave was beautiful and for the both of us.
给你的爱一直很安静
Staying quietly beside you used to be my only hope
来交换你偶尔给的关心
Jst hoping that you will glance at me occasionally
明明是三个人的电影
She was always there and will always be.
我却始终不能有姓名
I will just be a passerby in your life
给你的爱一直很安静
Just was to listen to you, live in a world near you
我从一开始就下定决心
That why I have made up my mind from the start to just stay quietly by your side
以为自己要的是曾经
I used to think that what I need was the past, the happiness that we used to share
却发现爱一定要有回音
But soon, I realized that love is not a one way thing.
给你的爱一直很安静
Living in your world was my greatest dream, but now, I wish to leave
除了泪在我的脸上任性
I do not know why the tears come flowing down, even if it is my own decision
原来缘份是用来说明
Fate, it is the only thing that can be used to explain the situation we are in now
你突然不爱我这件事情
To explain why there is not longer love between the both of us…
I need someone, I need somone to keep me gounded.
Someone who is there for me to protect me from everyone else.
Someone I could open my heart to
Someone who is there to catch me fall
Someone where is that someone.
I am tired, tired of being someone to others
I have no more energy, I cannot do it by myself anymore
I am sinking, struggling
Can that someone please come
Please come and bring me up again.
I think I am just going to blog randomly so this post will be full of broken language and incoherently because I am too tired to think properly and care about anything. I just want to type whatever that comes to my mind because I am so tired of everything.
Sometimes I feel that I am so wronged by everyone. I dunno why. But this irritating feeling just do not go away. My friends keep harping on the fact that I quarreled with him because he was jealous of the other guy that is always hanging around me. I know that is not the reason why at least not the main reason.
Anyway I felt wronged because that is nothing going on between this guy friend and me. It is just that he happened to confide in me with his problems. So I just listen. He made me promised that I will not say anything. I do not feel like, because I know myself, I will not say anything unless it is really necessary. But I still promised.
I did not say a word to him nor everyone. Whenever he asked what the both of us talks about I cannot tell him anything because I promised. i had this hope and belief that he will understand me.
He did, he tried his best. Therefore I am very sorry to him that I keep things from him.
I am angry, over something that happened today. The guy friend who confide in me, sometimes I wished he does not do that so that things will be easier for me. But I know that it is part of being a friend too.
But I am angry over that fact that he thinks that I will say it out. He actually said something along that line that I wil say it, and he have the cheek to be angry with me. I am really sorry, I am not the kind who will break a promise. And if you think that I will say it out to anyone, and then dun tell me. I had enough.
Dancing freely all around
Evading the crowds that has formed around us
Singing through the noises that elutes us
Making faces we wished to show
Oblivious to the world, to the people to, the sounds
Nesting a mischievous idea in our hearts
Dreaming of fields where we run free.
Every time you say it is time, I say it is not
Varying opinions sets us apart
Every time I say it is, you say it is not
Lasting misunderstandings, but there were no understanding
Yesterday, today or even tomorrow, silences still fill the air
Now, what do we do? As the silences continues…
2 years...
2 years..
I think everyone is petty uptight lately. I guess it is because of the upcoming examination. Sign, JC days just seems to pass so fast, just when you are starting to enjoy it, it is coming to an end.
Two years, seems like such a long time, but in fact it is not. If I have to count the exact time I have spend in junior college I think it is like at most one year, minus all the holidays and the first three months which I skip school.
I think I have learned a lot in these 2 years, especially interpersonal skills. I used to be very dependent on my friends to say things for me, or I will not say things at all. In secondary school, I had 2 very close friends; they are like my full time escorts. Whenever I do not feel like handling some communication stuff or problems, somehow they will handle it for me. I feel so protected all the time.
When I left secondary school, we wanted to go to the same school, but our interests were totally different. I was very tempted to just follow their course of study, but somehow fate has its way of doing things. At the last moment when I am suppose to submit the choices I have changed my mind and put junior college instead. Thus I was totally separated from them.
At first, I could not adjust to school life without them, it just felt so different. I had to make friends all over again. I really really missed them a lot, and before they started school, we kept going out together. That accounts for the bad grades for JC1 mid years.
When they started school, I realized that we were unable to hang out as often. That is when I realized that I can no longer depend on them. I had to widen my social circle and do things for myself.
So I have found friends, a lot of different kinds of friends with totally different personality. But somehow we managed to click together. Despite the differences in opinion sometimes, different ideology and everything, we were able to argue them out and somehow sort them out. I really cherish them a lot. They had really taught me that it is okay to show affection care and concern towards friends.
Considering that I was not able to do it so openly or I do not feel the need to do it as the two closest friends I had in secondary school were guys. Haha, but after I got to know these heart warming and passionate bunch of babes in my school I guess I learned to show care and concern to my friends more now.
Haha, I guess people do change as they grow. It is all the experience that changes us.
This song is nice..
http://www.haoting.com/htmusic/120027ht.htm
I just wasted the whole of my weekend watching a Korean drama! This is so unacceptable! I think I better stay in school till 6pm tomorrow! I aim to finish atmosphere by tomorrow! This is an order! For now, I need to go and finish studying my gu wen. Haha.
babies day out!
babies day out!Today I went to visit my friend’s nephew. Haha, I am not really close to her family, but I was just interested in going there to look around.
The baby is sooooo cute. He was sleeping when we reached there. He looked petty healthy too, pinkish and chubby. I am so smitten by him. The expression he makes when he is sleeping is also very cute and interesting. I think I can spent hours sitting there and looking at him. Haha, while looking at him, I subconsciously followed his expression too, when my friends caught me doing that they were all laughing, but the baby is so cute that I just can’t help it.
Babies are so irresistible.
They are so fragile abd small yet they can bring so much happiness to the world. When we arrived at the wards, my friend’s whole family was gathered in the room, fusing over the baby and chatting leisurely.
The second time I went up, my friend’s family had already went out for dinner, so I managed to get a closer look of the baby, I think the baby has really made my day. Just by looking at him made me so happy and playful. Haha.
This song is nice too. I feel so happy and at peace (hee hee) today.
Dreaming of you
Late at night, when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star that, somewhere, you are
Thinking of me, too
'Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me
Wonder if you ever see me, and I
Wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes, would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?
I just wanna hold you close; but, so far
All I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you
Yes, I do
I'll be dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me
Ah, ah
(Coraz髇)
I can't stop dreaming of you
(No puedo dejar de pensar en ti)
I can't stop dreaming
(C髆o te necesito)
I can't stop dreaming of you
(Mi amor, c髆o te extra駉)
Late at night, when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you."
I love you, too
Now, I'm dreaming with you tonight
'Til tomorrow and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming with you endlessly
Dreaming with you tonight
(With you tonight)
'Til tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
(Rather be)
Than here in my room, dreaming with you endlessly
<(I'll be dreaming)
Dreaming
(Of you tonight)
Endlessly
(And I'll be holding you tight tonight)
Dreaming
(Dreaming)
Endlessly
(With you tonight)
Endlessly
Endlessly
Dreaming
A multitude of small delights constitutes happiness-Charles Baudelaire
A multitude of small delights constitutes happiness-Charles BaudelaireI guess my recovery speed is quite fast, as commented be my sister.
Maybe because I have come to accept that it is the most logical thing to do at this point of time. Logics, how it can bog a person down, yet it can also give answers for the things that you are looking for.
Over the past few days, after I am done with walloping in my ‘soap opera ‘ I did quite a bit of thinking and writing. I am enlightened! Haha I am being dramatic here.
All in all, I think that we went into this whole thing too abruptly. However, I really enjoyed the time that we had together.
For the first few days after he told me, I really forced myself not to think about him. I totally forbid myself to think about him. But now, I thought what wrong with thinking about him? He is my friend after all.
I admit there are some things I still miss about the whole relationship. One main thing would be the care and concern he showered on me. Just like yesterday, when I was eating roti prata, I remembered the last time we went to eat roti prata together during my friend’s birthday celebration.
He did a lot of sweet things for me like helping me to get the prata and putting gravy for me. Haha I know I am being pampered. But it is a nice feeling once in a while. I also remembered the time when I ordered milo dinosaur while he ordered tea. We exchanged drinks and found that we liked each other drinks more then the ones we ordered for ourselves. Those were nice and sweet moments that we used to have. Surprisingly I was not sad or on the verge of crying, instead those memories put a tinge of smile on my face.
I realised that by forcing myself to not think about him is very tiring, but instead, by allowing myself to think about him makes me get over it more quickly. I guess I am accepting it now.
If I continue to avoid it by not thinking about it, I am really doing myself a great disservice, because I would not only lose a potential good friend I will also not learn anything and bring away anything from this experience. I might live on a bitter and wilful person who only thinks that everyone else is wrong.
I can even talk to him like last time. I feel more myself now when I speak to him, more at ease with myself.
But one thing I cannot bring myself to do is apologising to him. I know that I ought to do it, because I really owe him one. For now, I think it is not the right time. For me, that is.
national day celebration
national day celebrationI think this is the first and last time in my whole schooling year that I was so ‘involved’ in the national day. Haha
Our class was selected to be the class in charge to present the re-collection. The one where people recite the hardships that Singapore has went through.
For the last 8 years or so of my schooling career, I have never known the contents of the re-collection. But this year, I have no choice as I have to recite it.
When I reached so, I started rushing through all the homework that needs to be handed in that day. It is so absurd that we have to hand in homework on the day when we are supposed to be celebrating the nation’s holiday!
The whole class was just standing in one line trying to complete the homewok. I wished I had time to take a photo of it, it would be quite a funny shot.
After that the class leaders gave out the class identity. It was a red cloth and we had to tie it on our head. It is quite interesting to see the guys tie it. They looked like they are all geared up for a fight!
Haha, the people in my class keeps asking me if I was born in the correct era, they said that I looked so retro with that red headband. It that a compliment or an insult I wonder.. haha.
Anyway, it soon came to the time when we have to recite the national day recollection. From the platform, I could see that not many were paying attention. I think those paying attention are those who knows people from our class. Haha.
After the whole celebration, my class went on a class outing! Somehow, we keep getting lost when we are looking for the place, or we always get off at the wrong stop. So we ended up walking a lot! But it was a fun trail, we were singing national songs and Christmas songs! I really really hoped that Christmas would come soon!
Joy to the world the angels sing.. haha
Anyway for now, happy early birthday Singapore!
an end and another beinning
an end and another beinningThis will be a super long and sad post.
I guess this time we have really put an end to the relationship. To me, I feel that is has sort of ended, but then I thought it have not really start, so how does it end?
The question has been on my mind the whole week end.
Anyway, I shall start from the beginning.
This week was really a week filled with lots of emotions.
On Tuesday, I did not know what has gotten over me, but I guess I cold not really take it anymore.
It happen that I ended at the same time as him as I had to stay back for consultation, so I have messaged him that if he wants to go back together. I would wait for him in the canteen. In the end he message back asking me to meet him at the bus stop. I thought that he had reached the bus stop by then so I asked him to go off first if his bus came.
When I reached the bus stop, I did not see him and he did not message me, so I figured that he had left, so I boarded the bus. While the bus was turning, I saw him walking out of school with another girl. I know I should not have jumped to conclusion, but I just could not help it, because it is a feeling built over time. He did not even to bother to message me and tell me that he got the message.
At that point of time, I really did not know what has gotten over me, I actually teared in the bus.
i was shocked at what I did, because I have never cried in public before, no matter how sad I was. But at that point of time, I really did not have much control over my emotions.
Actually that was not the only time I have cried for him, and that was the last time I promised myself that I should shed a tear for him.
I did message my secondary school friend on the bus to talk about random thing, I tried to keep myself as cheerful as possible, but somehow he managed to detect that I was not feeling happy. I guess when you are really sad, you cannot really hide anything.
Anyway, late in the night that day, I received a message from him saying that he was sorry for not waiting for me at the bus stop, and he wanted to reply me but his battery was flat. I did not know what to say, because I was totally exhausted, I spent that whole night before he message me to get a grip on my emotions, but his message came, and my whole line of defence just broke down.
I was frustrated, anger, maybe even numb. I did not really remember how I felt. So I just message back nvm. He asked me if I was asleep, I said no, not so soon. I did not was to message long message, because I did not want him to see through the feelings I had at that time.
Eventually, he messge me back saying that he was sorry and all for neglecting me and everything. At the point of time, I really cried, I cried like I have not cried for a very long time. I did not cry only because of him, I also cried because of the things my friends have been saying and many more. There are so many things I wanted to tell him, during the time when he was neglecting me. So many things have happened in my life, and when I want to tell him about it, he was not there.
I know he has his own problems, I wanted to be there for him, but he rejected me. I wanted him to be here for me, but he was wrapped up in his own problems. I know I should have been more understanding, but I just could not bring myself to do so at the point of time.
I eventually message back that I did not know what he was thinking and all, and he said we needed to have a good talk. I said okay. He asked me to meet him on Saturday, after his tuition.
We took the same bus on Wednesday. But we did not have much to say. He looked very tired, I felt guilt for being so unreasonable the day before. I told him that he did not have to send me home, and asked him to rest well. But I could not bring myself to apologized to him for what I have message the day before. Maybe deep down inside, I felt that I was not in total wrong.
We did not see each other for the next two days, but I know that his mother came on Thursday because the teacher has requested to see his mother.
The whole thing ended on Friday. He message me to tell me that he could not meet me on Saturday. He had something on in school and had tuition after that. He said that for now, he thinks that studies is the most impotatnt to him, and said that we should say as friends.
When I first got the message, I did not know, but I felt a breathe of relief. I guess it is because we have being treading in an area of grey for a while now. The area between friends and couple. So I guess I was relief that I know which role to play as now.
Then I got sad, I did not know why, I called my friend. I cried for a while and went to bed.
The next day I woke up, feeling slightly better, but somehow it felt emptier. Maybe it is just a lose of something to look forward to or a loss of someone to think about. The day just felt different.
I stayed at home, staying in my bed, Just listening to songs, reading some books and writing some things. I felt that I have not done so for quite a long time.
Then I went out to help my family with stuffs. After that I went out with friend. he keeps bugging me to tell him why I did not go out with him. I was hesitant to tell him, because I was not sure that I could control my feelings. But eventually after lots of bugging, I told him.
Surprisingly, I did not cry or anything. I just talked about it, but summaring at some parts. He wanted to see the message. But I said that I should not show him, because it is between the both of us. After a while, I guessed he gave up.
But he said that he was disappointed in him. Then I thought why you should be.?
today was pretty fine. I got better, but I am not sure about how I would feel tomorrow. But I know that I will put myself back together and study hard!
Haha that the end.
